Thoughts

I don't usually post things like this but these things have been weighing on my heart these last few days and I once again feel like Satan is telling me not to do it, so I want to prove to him that he can't totally get me down!

I have been thinking a lot lately about life and things in general. The last two weeks have been really hard weeks. I seem to complain about everything. I thought a lot about my Grandma who passed away at Christmas and thought about how everyone at her funeral said they never heard her complain about anything. Even her own children said that! What an amazing woman to have NEVER complained! I have thought about how I too need to be more like her, which in reality is more like Jesus. It has been amazing to me as the weeks have gone by to have God show me what his will is in the situations I was complaining about.

One of the things I complained about was the Wednesday night class at church. Since Jeremy is the youth minister he usually of course teaches that class. Well this quarter he was going to be teaching an adult class. Both of us were really excited about it! Well, one week before the new quarter began, we found out that he was going to be teaching the youth. He was alright with it but I however had to complain. The class the teens are doing is all about our foundations in the church. What we believe and why do we believe that. Not that I didn't want to go to that class, but I was ready for a couples class for a short time. Needless to say, I spent two days complaining about that. Then I was talking on the phone to someone who is VERY dear to me. She told me that she is converting to Presbyterian. It floored me! This is someone I have known my whole life but yet I don't really know them the way I should. The day after that I was talking with a friend from church who went to Harding with me and she is dating a Baptist's minister son. She really feels like he is "the one" but is struggling with thinking about bringing kids up in two different churches. After the first friend told me about their converting, it hit me that God maybe wants me to be in the teen class. It came even more real after talking with the second friend.

My faith is not anywhere where it needs to be. I desire to be closer to God and know him more in depth so badly. I write and give every excuse in the book for not tending that relationship. The one that really is the most important relationship of all!! My faith struggles a lot! After these two sisters shared with me their situations, I felt like God was telling me that I needed to be in the teen class. I needed to grow my own faith so that I will be able to stand my ground when I am attacked and also when friends have questions they need answered.

Then this past weekend we had our ladies retreat at church. The topic was our thoughts and how we can and most of the time need to change those thoughts that are always running through the back of our minds. Those are the thoughts we tend to listen to the most. For me they look a little like this, "Nobody likes you." or "They are nice to you b/c they have to be." or "You are ugly and why would anybody (even Jeremy) think you are beautiful.", etc... I am really trying hard to change those thoughts. I need to change those thoughts! I desired so much to talk to someone at the retreat this weekend, but Satan once again stopped me. In my head I have to have it all together b/c I am the youth minister's wife and what would people think if they really knew what was in my head.

One of my friends posted a "real" post a week or two ago shedding open a layer of her heart and her trials and this really has helped me to think about posting one myself! Some of you know I think these things and others of you might not have known. I hate that I think everyone doesn't like me. I don't like that I feel like everyone is ALWAYS talking about me. One of my friends in Searcy says that she is scared when we talk about things like this. Well, I am scared and I long to be not scared about anything. I long to know that God has it and it doesn't matter about anything.

So, these last few weeks have been real eye openers. I long to be able to say the right things to my friends who need help. The fact is my thoughts in the back of my head tell me that whatever I say is stupid and I won't be able to help. So, there is my heart for each of you! I long to be one of God's servants to the fullest extent but am afraid that Satan's thoughts in the back of my head stop me from doing that often. So, here is to a committment to daily study and prayer time! NO EXCUSES!!!